Struggling with Prayer

Prayer.

I've had some trouble doing this lately.

Last night, as I laid on my bed, I knew I should say a few words before drifting off to sleep, but I realized I was fighting against heavy restraint; a very argumentative battle.

SIDE #1:
Why do I need to pray before bed? Didn't I already pray throughout the day? I went to church, didn't I? Isn't that enough for one day? And come on - praying before bedtime is one of the lowest ways of honoring God. It's like saying, "God, there's something within me that recognizes you deserve praise, so, after a full day of doing whatever it is that I want, I'll finally pray to you and say how great you are, but only after lifting myself up before you. I'll finally give you the last 10 minutes of the 1,440 minutes I had today."

SIDE #2:
Yes, so you spent a good portion of the day hanging out with friends and not thinking so much about God, about the Creator of everything in existence, and now you're feeling guilty about not praying more like you said you would. But please, let go of your selfish pride and just open your mouth. Take a stand against the evil there is in this world that doesn't want you to pray and just do it! Be stronger than him! You can do it, just start praying! Don't you think I want to hear your voice? Don't you think I will except even the tiniest portion you're willing to give me? Even if it is the last 10 minutes of your day, that is better than nothing at all. I will at least have a foot in the door. Strip off your pride and SPEAK!

So, I spoke. I prayed. I opened my mouth and began to pray. I confessed that I didn't want to pray and I didn't want to go to the Mission the next day. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. "God, you're going to have to get me through tomorrow, 'cause I can't do it. Please, help me."

I woke up refreshed, full of energy, and a new love in my heart for the women of the Mission. Before, I kept to myself and didn't talk very much. Today, I found myself laughing with them, smiling, and praying as I pulled out each weed I dug out of the mud for 2 hours in the morning. I thanked God for answering my prayer, no matter how pathetic it was. I thought about how God hears the tiniest of prayers, even the ones we think don't matter to Him - the ones that are shamefully spoken out of humiliation and regret for not doing it earlier.

But God hears them. God listens; He bends His ears to even the lowest and softest of pleas, especially if they are covered in shame.

What a fool I am! How stupid I am to believe that I am so great I can go a few hours without drinking in God's life-giving water! God deserves every part of our day and every ounce of it we can muster! Yet why do we feel so prideful in ourselves that we go even minutes without thinking about God? I could not have survived this far in life if He wasn't giving me the energy to go thus far; if He didn't have His hand in my life. How could I ever not give Him my time, my words, my breath, my life in every second of the day?

Prayer.

I've had some trouble doing this lately.

But God is utterly worthy of even the tiniest prayers; and even if I think it's shameful to give Him my smallest prayers, I'm at least going to do that. Does that mean that that is all I'm going to give Him? Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. But it's a foot in the door.

I'm making it my goal to pray continually throughout the day and stick to my daily devotions. This has always been my goal, but these passed few days, it seems as though I've had to do a refresher course. :o)


What is this rant about? Beets me. You get from it what you will, but I feel as though that we all need to be open and honest with each other, ESPECIALLY ABOUT OUR SPIRITUAL LIVES, if we are going to dedicate this coming year to Christ and His glory, not our own. We can't hide behind our dorm doors or a smiling, responsible face. We need to be real, open, and honest with each other. So, here's a start. Here's my start. This is what I've been thinking of lately and here's how you can pray for me. These are my struggles, please join with me in prayer, help me in my weaknesses, so that we can be one Body that works perfectly in Christ's name together.

There. Open honesty and vulnerability. This is my prayer for us.

Love to you all!